Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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