A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
