i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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