My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
