How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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