You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
