Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
