So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
