how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
