Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Randomize
