I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
She's the barista slut.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Randomize
