I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
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My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
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He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
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