Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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