I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
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