dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
She said her name was "party"
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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