he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
