i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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