Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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