Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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