Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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