Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
