ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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