I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
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