I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
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