So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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