Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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