question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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