im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
