Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
