I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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