Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
