using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
