I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
