i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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