Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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