be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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