she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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