I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
