We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
