my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
50% drunk capacity currently
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Randomize
