Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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