What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
