dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
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While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
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I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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