i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
