Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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