After last night, I could never be a politician.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
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I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
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Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.