You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
