The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey