Me. At least after what I've been through.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
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i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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