I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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