$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
operation harelip BJ is a go
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
