I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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