final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
