When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
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