Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
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