Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
