The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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