i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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