i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
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