They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
