Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Randomize
