i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
