Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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